In my role as a handsome yet shy tax lawyer I sometimes take the time to lean back in my office chair, close my eyes, and marvel at the terrible arrogance of Vancouver Island’s greatest scientist, Mr. Dewey Decimal, the inventor of the “dewey decimal system”. Sadly, a biography detailing his life, the battles he fought to systematize library holdings, and the river of broken hearted librarian tears that flowed in every city and town he visited, will have to wait for another day. Today, for a change, I want to talk about tax. You only think you want to read about the “dewey decimal love scandal” because you saw today’s topic: pithy tax aphorisms to instruct friends, spouses and most helpfully, children.
Law school is 3 years of memorizing & aphorizing. (See there, I just snuck in an original one). For example, the latin phrase nemo dat quod non habet sounds all fancy, but just means “one cannot give what one does not own.” Well duh. Another well known, longish, aphorism concerning the Charter of Rights goes something like, If your case is weak on the law, argue the facts, if it’s weak on the facts, argue the law, if it’s weak on both, try bullshit. If you can’t bullshit, argue the Charter. Words to live by. As we head into tax season, I have compiled a list of the most helpful tax aphorisms. Don’t worry if you don’t understand what they mean, just memorize them and drop them into casual conversations. Blair, Shelley, Devinder and I use them all the time. We are super popular. As well, you can try them out on your accountant to make it seem like you know what you are talking about. I try a similar tactic with auto mechanics, “My car won’t start, I think my piston bearings might be carbonized,” sounds very impressive and for sure leads to lower repair bills. By the way, some of these are stolen. Ready, here goes.
Recapture is income, gains are capital, but only in a weird alternate universe where depreciable property goes up in value.
There is no tax deduction for contributing to stereotypes, eh.
If it ain’t GAAP - it’s gonna be GAAR.
Even if it is GAAP, don’t mean it ain’t gonna be GAAR.
Never cheat on your taxes, unless it’s for a lot of money.
If an auditor shows up with her boss in tow, a business colonoscopy you will know.
Laughter is the best medicine and is pretty funny to claim as a medical expense.
The rich get richer, the poor get babies.
Selling babies can make you rich, but you must remember to charge GST.
Income tax redistributes poverty.
Dewey Decimal was a sexy man. (Okay, this one’s a cheat. I just want to see if you were still reading).
An auditor chuckling while reviewing your accounting ledger is not a reason to smile.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. Never ask the auditor if he needs the receipt.
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
A tax refund makes you feel terrific until you realize that you’re getting your own money back.
If you make money call it “capital”. If you lose money call it “income.”
Don’t go to tax seminars conducted at the Tiki Lounge of the Holiday Inn – if they aren’t held during happy hour.
Canada does not have an inheritance tax. Canada has a “when you die, you are deemed to sell all your assets and are taxed on any gains” tax.
There is no equity in tax court.
If you squint hard enough the word “tax” starts to look like the word “sex”
Tax returns make liars of us all.
Please use these handy-dandy up to date tax aphorisms so your teenage kids won’t look embarrassed when you mumble that old fashioned “Nothing is certain but death and taxes” line. Gosh, I just got a note from the Home Office that I have been given space for two more. Well, okay, but only two more; remember, “pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered,” (I can’t stop myself). One is from the Bible, the other from the philosopher Homer. I’ll let you figure out which is which.
Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s.
mmm! Ceasars.
End.
-- J. Andre Rachert
The above article provides general commentary of an educational nature. It does not constitute advice for any specific person or any specific set of circumstances. Because circumstances vary, readers should consult professional advisers in order to obtain advice that is applicable to their specific circumstances.
